tuesday september 17th
i hate conformity
when i was seventeen, i used to sneak into clubs after downing cheap alcohol outside. i'd steal my best friend's eyeliner and write "whore" on my arm. i'd get fucked up and dance around to punk rock at the club, and get phone calls from bois the next day who i didn't even remember meeting let alone kissing. we knew everyone there. we'd order the cheapest cocktails that came in a huge jug for £5 and share it out. it tasted like pond water but we didn't care.
i'd come home with lovebites, bruises and cigarette burns. the next morning, me and my best friend would sit, bleary eyed in huge kurt cobain style sunglasses in sociology, nursing hangovers and passing notes about the night before.
one time we both went to this house party when we were about fourteen. we didn't know each other that well, but we found out that we both drank way too much vodka that night. my boyfriend kept trying to make me puke but i kept laughing up in his face. lucy, in typical drunk mode, was sitting down somewhere not speaking to anyone, when this ginger boy from our school said to her "you look about as bored as i feel".
i didn't bother with make-up. i hardly ever watched tv. i spat in the street. i used bois and made friends with girls in club bathrooms.
i don't miss it, but i sometimes miss who i was then. it was before i could really hate myself and before anything truly bad had happened to me. even though it feels weird, i am glad to not be going back to college this year. i want to be myself again, finally. college = conformity. this year is all about freedom.
i can't pronounce words like "medieval" at all.
and one time, at this super cool party i pronounced "entrepreneur" as "on-tromp-a-tur" and everyone laughed and i was v embarrassed.
i am very bad at spelling. every second word i spell is wrong. i thought you spelled "actually" as "atchally" for almost my whole life till last year.
sometimes i can't figure out how to spell the most obvious word like "out" or "the" and it's really fucked up. and i think, is that really a word anyway? and get all freaked out.
suds at