tuesday, april 9th
broken dolls (we're all)
it's so sad when christina ricci says she hates herself.
especially when i think she's so beautiful. and she would make herself ill because of how much she hated herself. and to that extent? to cover up all the mirrors in the house? it makes me so goddamn sad.
i know it's hard for any girl to think they're worth anything when there is so much competition out there and oh! the pressure. the pressure to be flawless and super-skinny is almost too much sometimes.
but to be well known on top of that, and have people come up to you in the street and tell you how fat you've become after your last movie? i couldn't deal with that.
and thora birch didn't look one bit like enid in interview magaine. and what is up with that? and why aren't people fucking worried about it anymore? i don't get that.
but i know that i find myself flipping through those american magazines sometimes and i'll catch myself wanting to be like one of the girls inside. not often, but sometimes. i'll catch myself thinking, 'i'd be so much happier if i looked a little more like that girl and not like me'.
come. on. i know that happiness doesn't come from a look, or a body type. but i still catch myself thinking about it.
i get angry sometimes, about how difficult it is to be truly happy with yourself.
to be able to think, if i died tomorrow, i'd know that i'd done enough in this life. imagine being able to travle into the next life, into heaven, into the unknown and not being afraid.
today me and my two best friends walked by the river and went out for a meal, which i didn't think would ever happen because he's always travelling and she works all the time. and it made me realise how much has changed and how grown-up and spiritual they are now, and how i'm still just waiting for college to be over so i can get on with my real life.
whatever that'll be. i just know that i love my friends so much. because i know i can grow any which way and they'll still be there. and tom wants to be a dad, and look after his children in a nice house and that's what he wants and that's ok with me. i don't know what i want.
but i guess that's ok too?
suds at