monday, march 25th
whatever! i do what i want!
some people say that those who are scared of dying (and i am one of those people) are actually just
afraid of living. maybe this is the case with me.
i sometimes find myself pouring over memories, and writing down every single thought and feeling and event in my life, just so it never wastes away.
when i was younger, which was not all that long ago, i decided that i just had to live for the right now, to live and love and fight with all my heart. i want that strength to continue within me.
maybe it is wilting a little now because i'm facing such huge-ass life changing decisions in the near future. within months, i am hoping to graduate; and then what? i want to live and work in the united states; but due to the economy and the fact that i am a non-us citizen that could be sort of tricky. and it bothers me because a year ago i would be fighting tooth and nail for the chance.
i don't know what happened. i have become disillusioned and bored and frightened and generally all the stuff i hate in people lately. don't know why. i have been having panic attacks about all my worries; when i should be taking on board and keeping on living.
it's like i have been surrounded by death and violence and the september 11th tragedy just floored me and a boy in my house who keeps talking about hell and heaven and how my thesis is on abortion, on life and on death.
i thought i was pro-choice before i started the whole thirty two page paper. i thought i wasn't religious. i thought i had firm beliefs and ideas. i was wrong.
is this getting too emo for you now? thats cool. i don't usually vent to this extent on diaryland. i used to feel that i was just typing into the void, and no-one would be reading it anyway; but all the e-mails and comments keep me going.
just writing about all this helps. i am sitting at the radio station click clickin out all these words while josh plays grrrl punk rock in the little studio next door. every time he plays a dumb psa or a cool song, i slide over to the window which seperates our studios and we make goof-ball faces at each other. i love him so much, it hurts inside. i don't want to leave him again. i don't want to have to, and i do.
i want to be strong again. why does writing help so much? and music. and love.
i am kinda sick of this whole layout. if you have any suggestions or ideas, lemme know.
suds at