thursday, september 13th
love, love, love
i have a candle burning in my bedroom for all the people in new york city and washington, d.c who have lost their lives. in england, it rains and rains; and i have not seen my country so shocked and sad since princess diana died. flowers have flooded the american embassy in london. the guards at buckingham palace this morning played the american national anthem, something that has never been done before. this country that was my home for a year is in a state of bewildered sadness. my heart is especially with kats right now.
last night, i realised that i simply couldn't take any more, so lucy and me got it together with all our friends and headed to the purple turtle. just to do something normal. rats boy played 'starman' by david bowie on the jukebox there, and we drank red bulls and just talked, just tried to get on with things. then, all a sudden, this song that josh used to sing to me all the time by the cure came on the jukebox louder than life. i think it's called, 'why can't i be you?'....'i'll run around in circles/ til i run out of breath/ i'll eat you all up/ or i'll just hug you to death/ yr so wonderful/ too good to be true/ you make me, make me hungry for you'
and yeah, i just fell into tears. this staggering loss of human life is just too much for me to bear, especially this city, this city that was our favourite place to go to. a place we'd go to escape. i am so flooded with miss and worry for josh right now that i can't even see straight. i need to be around my friends so much right now, and i need josh so much i can't breathe. and i started to cry. i cried so much, i was just a total mess. katherine, lucy
and rats boy all held me and i was just thinking, i have to stop crying on my friends. i do it all the time right now, and i have never done it before i left america. i miss him so much. i took the song as a good sign tho, a sign that josh is ok, especially when '19-2000' by gorillaz (the soulchild remix) came on straight afterwards.
i chilled. i settled down. i actually had a pretty good time. i talked with stuart, whose parents are on a boat headed for america, with a hurricane on the other side of them. he hasn't been able to contact them at all and has been so worried lately. it was good to see him smile and laugh some. ben's friend recentley died, and he is kinda messed up right now too, but he has fallen in love and this is giving him hope. i am so grateful for my friends, and for last night. for phil, ben, stuart, muppet, rats boy, katherine and especially lucy. and even that weird scottish boy who told me everything would be alright. i didn't think i'd be able to even smile after tuesday, and right then i was able to laugh.
i pretended he was with me when i fell asleep.
love, love, love.
sophie.
suds at